JOB DUTIES

Ages ago Man became the acting supervisor over planet Earth for God — He had other worlds to create — and that’s the day when Man’s worst came out, all mad hungry with unlimited power and everlasting hate, an arrogant, dirty beast running amok, testosterone-fuelled and ready to stick his dick into anything and everything he came upon. Man, after all his strutting and thrusting, engaged his mind’s kill switch and started mutilating, starving, smashing, destroying, gassing, polluting, raping and pillaging the masses worldwide. He obliterated an enormous multitude of the obvious for crowd control purposes: the deviants, the poor, the forgotten, the indigent, the ill, the benign, the putrid, the crippled, the drinkers, the users, the abusers, the different and indifferent, the wise and wisest, the best and the brightest, the liberated and, most of all, the writers, the artists, the intrigued, the interested, the thinking and, very, very rarely, the ones who really deserved it. When, and if, God ever decides to come back here and take over His job duties as supervisor over this world Man, the arrogant, nasty, and unapologetic bastard that he is, will surely be sitting in God’s office chair, feet on the desk, loosening the $500 designer tie, kept tight around his blood thirsty throat, so he can rub his neck to exorcise the tension built up from the endless, vacant, pitiful centuries where he led Mankind into a stinking pile of shit from which he cannot emerge. He’ll calmly flip off the waxed and polished to a bright shine $2000 Italian leather dress shoes and gently remove the $50 French silk socks and wiggle his toes before he tells God what a motherfucking great job he’s done in His absence and — with a big smile across his face since Man is an abhorrent, utterly useless prick who overvalues himself — promptly ask for a raise and an office with a better view.

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LOVE LIZARDS

I took photos of these two lizards — the pics merged together using PhotoFiltre — after getting home from work. I noticed them holding tight to a stair railing after getting out of my car and walking around the corner from my place to pick up my mail. Since they didn’t run off as soon as they saw me I went back pcp-lizards.jpgto my car and grabbed my Nikon D50, which I carry to and from work everyday, and walked back to where the lizards were. I think the lizard on the left is a male and the one on the right is a female, as it seemed to me that they were getting to know each other before I showed up. Usually, these fast as hell fuckers run like crazy when they see me — hence, no pics have ever been taken of them by me and posted on Flickr. But those other lizards, and there’s all kinds living in and around my apartment complex, I’ve seen have been by themselves. So I’m thinking for these two love birds the thoughts of sex and fucking in their lizard minds kept them where they were, despite my presence. They patiently allowed my intrusion, somehow realizing I wasn’t a threat and merely an annoyance (especially with my flash going off) and stayed where they were to wait me out before they went on with their Love Potion No. 9 business.Let me tell you. That male lizard was one lucky bastard. He got laid and all I got was to show you a picture of the hot babe, with the long, lean tail that goes all the way up, he was about to get down with. Meanwhile, I go back up to my one bedroom apartment, process the photos of the horny lizards in Nikon’s Capture NX digital darkroom software, write this shit up, post some of it to my Flickr page, along with the above photo, and then spend the next 2 hours answering all the god damn e-mails I get, feed my cat, Bukey, clean out her cat box, and, while doing all of this, in the background I half-watch the Texas Rangers lose to the Seattle Mariners, 5-2, on opening day. Then, unlike the lucky lizards above, I go to bed alone (as always). I’m a negative creep malcontent who hates his life, drives a 17-year-old Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera with a non-working AC (trust me, not a good thing if you live in Texas like me), a guy no woman on the planet wants to be around (I’m quite fucking ugly in attitude and appearance), a 48-year old nice guy loser with a suicidal personality who despises his job and who hates being alive and wished he’d be killed by something, anything, as long as it happens soon so I won’t have to keep suffering with all this fucking shit.

God damn it, I thought, this is the usual negative shit I always write but what the hell else is there?

George Carlin was correct when he said, “Life is worth losing.”And it’s also correct when my buddy over at Meatlights39 writes, Being a loner is a great gift except when it’s not.”

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